October 28, 2011

I Refuse To Be A Sexy Cop

My goal every Halloween is to be really cool looking, and every year I fall short. Sometimes I'm almost there but it would have been 57x better if I had prepared beforehand. This year I have the same goal; however, I just realized that the parties are this Saturday and I have most of my costume. Not all. Most. 

I'm guessing you want to know what I'm going to be. I will tell you because the worst thing is when I dress up and everyone asks "So...what are you?" I know I probably dress as obscure and made up things so it's a legitimate question, but I have spent the last month and a half coming up with and planning out this costume so my thoughts are how can you not know that I am a generic action hero/zombie apocalypse survivor? Yes, that is what I am this year. I think I look kind of cool. Alas, it is not complete. 

At least I'm not going as a sexy banana or something like that. I'm pretty sure there is a costume out there like that. The costume creators have the easiest jobs, they think of random objects or professions and then change it to a mini shirt and v neck top. Add some thigh high stockings and heels and tada! A sexy banana! 

(I fixed her face to make me feel better about myself)

(at least I'm honest)

Have a safe and happy Halloween and take lots of pictures! I know I will!

October 25, 2011

At Least One Of Us Gets It Right

I'm glad that half of me is sane. It's one of those days where I'm just not feeling it. Something I would normally be up for, I now want to run away from screaming. Then my other half sets me down and says:
"Haley. You're just in a mood. It'll pass and you know this is what you want."
Then I almost start hyperventilating and I'm sure my heart stopped at least twice. That's when I slap myself and tell me to pull it together.

Thanks Haley. I needed that.

Corny Inspiration

 So I have this Uncle who is insane. I'm guessing he is at work when he sent me a Facebook message. It read: 'corn chips'. Surprisingly, this isn't an abnormal occurrence. I get these types of messages every once in a while. Today, I gave this response to his 'corn chips'.

     Detective Corn Chips spent his nights alone with his scotch. He would spend his evenings in front of the television, watching only the most mindless of programs. Anything to get the faces out of his head.
     When he and Marlene were still married, she would make him a hot dinner and talk about her day at the beauty salon. Her mindless chatter was one thing that could take Corn Chips' mind off of work. He'd watch her animated expressions and the way she would act out everything with her hands, and her hair would bob back and forth when she got really worked up.
     After she had left him, there was nothing to fill up the cold house. Everywhere he looked, a memory would come to mind. Painting the kitchen with Marlene, reading the paper together at breakfast, the fight on the stairs...
     It was painful being home, however, it was painful being at work as well. The faces of the parents of missing children, the frazzled wife being questioned about her husband's murder, so many faces that Corn Chips couldn't get out of his mind.
     Work was torture. Home was torture. It hadn't been a home since Marlene left. Corn chips sat in his worn out chair and closed his eyes. If he could only fall asleep, maybe he wouldn't dream tonight and he wouldn't see anymore faces. He listened to the hum of the air conditioning, the moaning of the house as it settled into it's self.
     Then Corn Chips heard a noise he was not familiar with. Foot steps. No one should be here.
     "Good evening, Detective." came a low gravely voice.
     Corn Chips turned his head to the side and saw Scott Callahan, the man he and his team had been tracking for months. The mans wide, dry mouth was turned up in a cruel smile. A gun was in his hand, pointed at Corn Chips' head. 
     "Evening, Scott. You're here to kill me."
     "Smart man. Yeah, you fellas got a bit close last Friday. Too close. They're not going to get me. There's no way I'll let them put me behind bars again." Callahan pushed the gun against Corn Chips left temple. "Not this time, Detective. I've been waiting for this for a long time now."
     Corn Chips crossed his legs and placed his hands in his lap. "You know what, Callahan? Me too." He closed his eyes and saw one last face.  Marlene.

October 24, 2011

7 Reasons Why

Why older men rule:

1.) They look refined.

2.) They don't waste all their time with silly video games.

3.) They have taken the time to learn that hard work pays off.

4.) They work.

5.) They developed a sense of humor. 

6.) They know everything.

7.) My dad is an older man, therefore, he rules.

I decided I want to marry a man that is as cool as my dad. Well, almost.

October 21, 2011

Proud LOTR Nerd

It's amazing how many brilliant* ideas I have in a single day. Sometimes a random thought just pops into my head and I think, "Hmm that would be funny if.." or "Maybe I should try...". This goes on all day but the worst part is, by the time I have time to do it, I totally forgot the idea. There is nothing better than that raw, first time inspiration. It's either do it now or never.

I try really hard to write down these little rays of inspiration. The sticky note idea isn't working out.**

Today on my way to work, I had this funny thought. So you know what I did? I took time during my lunch break to follow through with it. See below for the end product

*What I consider brilliant may not be exactly what everyone else thinks.
**I would link this back to the post, but I have no idea which one it is.  -_- fail.

(my favorite part about this picture is his body is actually 
the body of a large black woman. Hooray for Photoshop!)

October 20, 2011

All My Hate For The Week

Today I will write about something I really hate. I know that "hate" is a strong word but it applies in this situation. What could she possibly hate? you ask. It's simple: Christmas music. I know. I can hear you gasping from here, but it's true. Before you burn me at the stake, however, I'd like to clarify. The only Christmas music I don't hate are the hymns that we sing in church around the holidays. One of my favorites is Angels We Have Heard On High. This may due to the fact that there is a part in the chorus and instead of singing "Glooooooooria in excelsis Deo" my young child self thought it was "O-ooooooooreo, in ex Chelsea's day-o". I liked oreos, okay?

Anyway, church Christmas music is fine. What I can't stand is Jingle Bells, any child song, any soulful renditions done by Christina Agulaira, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, etc. I think you get the point. I just can't stand them. Thankfully it's not even Halloween yet so we still have until Thanksgiving before I have to abandon my radio and steer clean of any shopping departments. 

I also hate pictures like this during the holiday season:

You know what else I hate? This:

I'm contemplating deleting that... :S

Sorry for all the hate. I'm just very passionate. How about I leave you with something I love? Here you go:

Art Feature!

October 14, 2011

I Actually Think The Combat Boots Helped

Last week I was invited to go to a haunted house on Saturday. After excitedly buying the tickets and putting the date on my calendar, I remembered that I don't like scary things like that and was horrified that I had paid $25 just to scream and be made fun of. -_- I've never been to a haunted house before. I'm pretty sure a "haunted" corn maze was the closest thing to scary I've been to. As for scary things in general, I don't mind scary movies... as long as I watch them in the day time and then have the whole day to replace the images with nicer things.

Since I had paid the money and didn't want to bail on my friend, I gathered any courage I had hiding in the corners, donned my combat boots and my favorite jacket (so no one could touch me) and went out the door.

Anyone who has ever been with me to Silverwood, Disneyland, or a state fair, they will know the horrible fear I have of those life size characters that run about giving hugs and fliers. At the haunted house they had similar things but non of them were anything like Mickey or Sully and we're interested in giving you a flier.
(I cringe when looking at this. Run, kids! Run!!)

I tried my very hardest to be brave. I tried jamming my hands into my pockets but they kept flying up to my mouth whenever I screamed or squeaked or did an odd combination of the two. The group of friends I went with sure got a kick out of it. Something scary would happen and they would turn and look back at me to see my reaction! One guy in our group thought it would be funny to scare me himself but he thought wrong and got my fist flying into his shoulder.

To tell the truth, I would have loved to have had a gun in there and got rid of all the creepers, but sadly they were just underpaid nerds who get a kick out of making girls scream.

I will admit it was fun once I was out of there and I'm glad I went, mostly because we went to Denny's afterwards and we were "That Table". The one the waitress wanted to kick out. This followed by a Walmart run for contact solution and a thermometer.

I think it's safe to say that I'm a pansy, BUT  I can and will beat the crap out of anyone who says so!
Got it? :)

October 07, 2011

Stamps, Grass, Steak, and Words.

This has been a less than wonderful week. I've had this strange illness come over me which is even more strange due to the fact that I don't usually get sick. If you've ever donated blood, you may be familiar with the paper they give you afterwards saying "If you get a fever afterwards and feel like you're dying, call us". I gave blood last Saturday and for the rest of the day it felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. It was probably freaking out like" Oh my gosh, we're running out of blood!! Must. Pump. FASTER!!!!" But seriously, I've had a slight fever all week accompanied by aches, chills, dizziness, and a headache. All week. I normally don't take pills but when an illness get in the way of functioning at work, I will drug myself up and pay for it later.

Now on to things I have learned.

1. I'm in love with the mail man.
One of my responsibilities at work is to retrieve the mail, sort it, log it, and distribute. What I have discovered is that I absolutely love doing the mail. I would be undeniably happy if I could work in a mail place. Opening mail, sending mail, sealing it up and putting a stamp on it. Heavenly. So now whenever I see the Mail Man zoom past my window, I give him a salutatory fist pump. A recognition of one mail lover to another. This is why I love the mail man. Also because he wears shorts, a sun hat, and tall socks that poke out of his sneakers. He would be the man of my dreams, if only I was born 30 years ago.

2. I miss mowing the lawn.
What seems like a chore to most people, mowing the law was something I looked forward to. I'd wake up on Saturday morning and postpone my shower. I'd hop into some shorts and a tee and trek out into the tangled yard. I put on a dust mask, plug in my ear buds to listen to some epic lawn mowing music and top that off with some large ear protectors. There is almost no better smell than freshly cut grass. When I get my own house, I will need a lawn. A decent sized one with real grass. This is vital to my happiness.

3. I am a hypocrite in the worst way.
Last night as I sat "watching" sports with my Uncle John, I chastised him on the importance of eating healthy and buying fresh food. I told him that his sleeping patterns will get better and he'd feel healthier. There are few things more important that your health. Then I took a bite of my pepperoni pizza and got some BBQ sauce for the stake he had cooked. 

4. Using words you don't know the meaning of? Dictionary.com.
This is a common occurrence. I'm typing away at mach speed and then come across a word I think fits the sentence but am not entirely sure. There is nothing worse than someone using a word that they obviously don't know the meaning of. It's worse when they throw a big cool sounding word in there, just to make them seem smarter. To avoid this, I keep Dictionary.com a click away to be sure I am using something correctly and therefore, not sounding like a complete dweeb.

This is all for now. Have an epic weekend.

October 05, 2011

4 Good Reasons To Be Normal

There are a few problems that go along with being anti-social.

1. You can't do it all the time.
Even when I'm in that mood where all I want to do is close my door and read a book, I can't always do just that. Life comes as a package deal with this little thing called responsibility. Quite frankly, sometimes I flat out hate it. Imagine you didn't have responsibilities: no work, appointments, social gatherings, you don't even need to eat or go to the bathroom. If that were possible at this moment I would probably go soak in a tub and maybe fall asleep.

2. You get relentless flak from family and friends.
Mother calls up on a Friday night.

Mom: "Hi honey, what are you up to?"

Me: "Not much. Just playing with my fish".

Mom: "Oh... that's nice. Why don't you call your sister or brother and go out"?

Me: "Eh, I've already got my pjs on".

*10 minute lecture ensues about the need to make friends and socialize*

3. You start to get weird(er).

4. The chance of dating drops dramatically.
There isn't a whole lot to say on this topic. It must be common logic. The only way you would find someone during an extreme bout of antisocial-ness would be if you spent your time...no, if perhaps they, no... that won't work either. Maybe if you could...no, not possible. Sorry. At that point there isn't much hope.

I would go over the positive sides of it, but that would take up my whole afternoon. :)

October 04, 2011

Males, You Have Been Warned

Boys are dumb. This a simple truth that we can all rely on. We can also rely on the fact that no matter how dumb they are, we (the female gender) still need them. The other night I was trying to open a jar and after about 5 minutes of twisting and smacking it on the table, I gave up and made macaroni instead. At that moment my thought was "This is a job for a man", however, there were no men to be found. As I sat and ate my macaroni I read (reread) my favorite book, The Hunger Games. Yes, I know that book is supposed to be about a strong female character and revolution against a corrupt society, but I couldn't help but smile and make an audible "awwww" sound when *spoiler alert* Peeta professes his love for Katniss and although she thinks he's only doing it for show, I knew the depth of his love for her. He loves her so much in fact, that he is willing to try his hardest and provide her with as many advantages as possible to help her win the Hunger Games, even if it means his own death.

*Sigh* What a selfless, romantic man. Sometimes I think that I want a man like that (and I do) but I am a delusional realist so instead of going out to find such a man, I buy as many "underlying love story" books as possible, throwing myself into that fantasy world whenever possible to experience that kind of emotion without putting forth any effort and never having to worry about rejection or commitment since all I need to do is open a book and close it again when I've had enough.

Sadly, I think I just psychoanalyzed myself. :S

Warning To All Males:  I have issues.

Did I mention that I am going to write a novel? I don't want to, I will. I have several ideas in fact and a few of them I am seriously outlining and developing characters and plot as we speak. The amount of time I spend developing one character amazes me. Once I get a story idea, very little else occupies my thoughts. I spend every free second that I'm not focused on something to envision the story, put the characters in different scenarios and create the world they live in. Also I layout the preview of the movie in my brain. I get a little ahead of myself sometimes. Despite the rampant story ideas, I've got about as much motivation as Britney Spears has talent. Ooooo. That's right. I went there.

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